Why I Hate Wal-Mart
I hate shopping at Wal-Mart. Hate. It.
Not just because Wal-Mart is destroying America, but because shopping there is a generally horrible experience. Unfortunately, the builders who constructed my house thought it would be hilarious to put in vents that require the most odd and obscure size air filters. I tried searching at Home Depot, Lowes, and Target, but the only retailer I can find that carries the stupid air filters for my house is Wal-Mart. And since we have 4 very fuzzy animals, my air filters look like Chewbacca if I don't replace them every month.
So after giving myself a pep talk and playing the "Rocky" theme-music in my head, I psyched myself up for my journey to Wal-Mart.
Fortunately, the Wal-Mart near me is one of the less-terrifying Wal-Marts out there (which is like saying "one of the less-ridiculously-unrealistic Zooey Deschanel characters"). But whatever.
Despite this, I have never exited a Wal-Mart without being extremely disappointed in humanity. Here are a few of the main reasons I hate Wal-Mart:
1. The employees are the most disgruntled people in the world. Seriously. They make postal workers look cheerful. I don't blame the actual employees for this: if I worked 50hrs/week without overtime, barely made minimum wage, and had to wear a stupid blue vest, I'd probably treat customers like crap, too. I find that if I get to Wal-Mart absurdly early, I have better luck finding an employee who doesn't look like they want to punch me. Probably because their shift is just starting and they haven't had to deal with 9 solid hours of berating from their superiors (and other customers). Which brings me to #2...
2. The other shoppers are the 2nd most disgruntled people in the world. Take every single person out of a Wal-Mart and transport them to ANY OTHER PLACE and we'd all get along great. But somehow the combination of fluorescent lighting, that sycophantic smiley face, and everyday low prices transforms even the most pleasant shoppers into misanthropic jerks.
3. There are no "good carts". People without kids really won't fully appreciate this, but basically, finding a cart that looks reasonably clean is kind of a big deal to parents. Especially parents of kids who like to lick stuff. But every single friggin' cart at Wal-Mart looks like it's been chewed on by a Rottweiler and/or used in a meth lab. I guarantee you any given Wal-Mart cart has at least 9 undiscovered species of bacteria living on it. And possibly an entire ecosystem.
4. Their aisle system defies all logic, reason, and common sense. While I was getting my air filters, I got the weirdest hankering for pasta salad. (Yeah, I realize that is the most random thing ever.) I figured since I'd already violated my "Never Shop at Wal-Mart" policy, I might as well grab a box of pasta salad mix. I strolled down the pasta aisle, but it wasn't there. Next I searched the boxed dinner aisle, then the salad dressing aisle, then condiments, then baking, and then finally I gave up and just walked down every single aisle. And guess where I found it: THE INTERNATIONAL FOODS AISLE. Because apparently Betty Crocker Pasta Salad is an international food. There it was, right next to all the Goya products. And this is not an isolated occurrence. I once went looking for crackers and found them in the juice aisle next to the toilet paper.
5. The checkout lines are the 10th Circle of Hell. No matter how many people are working there at any given time, there will be 2 checkout lanes open. And there will be 50 people in each line. And the person in front of you will be buying 85 Glade Plug-ins. And you will stand there the entire time wondering why they won't call any other employees to the front and why the hell anyone needs that many Glade Plug-ins.***
***Or something equally ridiculous.
And finally,
6. Before leaving the store, you will witness at least one thing that makes you question the future of mankind. Maybe it's the guy cussing out his 2-year-old in the Sporting Goods section. Or maybe it's the 400lb lady dressed like a backup dancer for Ke$sha. Or maybe it's the 85 year-old-man with an oxygen tank and a cart full of cigarettes. Either way, you're going to see someone doing something either ineffably stupid or so atrocious that it's going to haunt your dreams for years. And considering the success of such sites as peopleofwalmart and failblog, I don't think I'm exaggerating.
Anyway, I bought 3 air filters, so at least I won't have to go back until March.
Not just because Wal-Mart is destroying America, but because shopping there is a generally horrible experience. Unfortunately, the builders who constructed my house thought it would be hilarious to put in vents that require the most odd and obscure size air filters. I tried searching at Home Depot, Lowes, and Target, but the only retailer I can find that carries the stupid air filters for my house is Wal-Mart. And since we have 4 very fuzzy animals, my air filters look like Chewbacca if I don't replace them every month.
So after giving myself a pep talk and playing the "Rocky" theme-music in my head, I psyched myself up for my journey to Wal-Mart.
Fortunately, the Wal-Mart near me is one of the less-terrifying Wal-Marts out there (which is like saying "one of the less-ridiculously-unrealistic Zooey Deschanel characters"). But whatever.
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| "I'm so adorably quirky!" |
1. The employees are the most disgruntled people in the world. Seriously. They make postal workers look cheerful. I don't blame the actual employees for this: if I worked 50hrs/week without overtime, barely made minimum wage, and had to wear a stupid blue vest, I'd probably treat customers like crap, too. I find that if I get to Wal-Mart absurdly early, I have better luck finding an employee who doesn't look like they want to punch me. Probably because their shift is just starting and they haven't had to deal with 9 solid hours of berating from their superiors (and other customers). Which brings me to #2...
2. The other shoppers are the 2nd most disgruntled people in the world. Take every single person out of a Wal-Mart and transport them to ANY OTHER PLACE and we'd all get along great. But somehow the combination of fluorescent lighting, that sycophantic smiley face, and everyday low prices transforms even the most pleasant shoppers into misanthropic jerks.
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| "Save money. Live better." *Unless you're one of our employees, customers, or any member of the human race. |
3. There are no "good carts". People without kids really won't fully appreciate this, but basically, finding a cart that looks reasonably clean is kind of a big deal to parents. Especially parents of kids who like to lick stuff. But every single friggin' cart at Wal-Mart looks like it's been chewed on by a Rottweiler and/or used in a meth lab. I guarantee you any given Wal-Mart cart has at least 9 undiscovered species of bacteria living on it. And possibly an entire ecosystem.
4. Their aisle system defies all logic, reason, and common sense. While I was getting my air filters, I got the weirdest hankering for pasta salad. (Yeah, I realize that is the most random thing ever.) I figured since I'd already violated my "Never Shop at Wal-Mart" policy, I might as well grab a box of pasta salad mix. I strolled down the pasta aisle, but it wasn't there. Next I searched the boxed dinner aisle, then the salad dressing aisle, then condiments, then baking, and then finally I gave up and just walked down every single aisle. And guess where I found it: THE INTERNATIONAL FOODS AISLE. Because apparently Betty Crocker Pasta Salad is an international food. There it was, right next to all the Goya products. And this is not an isolated occurrence. I once went looking for crackers and found them in the juice aisle next to the toilet paper.
5. The checkout lines are the 10th Circle of Hell. No matter how many people are working there at any given time, there will be 2 checkout lanes open. And there will be 50 people in each line. And the person in front of you will be buying 85 Glade Plug-ins. And you will stand there the entire time wondering why they won't call any other employees to the front and why the hell anyone needs that many Glade Plug-ins.***
***Or something equally ridiculous.
And finally,
6. Before leaving the store, you will witness at least one thing that makes you question the future of mankind. Maybe it's the guy cussing out his 2-year-old in the Sporting Goods section. Or maybe it's the 400lb lady dressed like a backup dancer for Ke$sha. Or maybe it's the 85 year-old-man with an oxygen tank and a cart full of cigarettes. Either way, you're going to see someone doing something either ineffably stupid or so atrocious that it's going to haunt your dreams for years. And considering the success of such sites as peopleofwalmart and failblog, I don't think I'm exaggerating.
Anyway, I bought 3 air filters, so at least I won't have to go back until March.
Omg! I just peed my pants Claire! Seriously the funniest post ever and I love you even more now for hating walmart as much as I do!
ReplyDeleteOh and did I mention that I despise Zooey deschanel and her new to insert her ridiculous and weird singing in evvvvvverrrryyything she does???
ReplyDeleteSo terribly true! I too have a "no shopping at Walmart" rule! It really does suck a part of your sole every time.
ReplyDelete