Why I Love Texas

I love Texas. It is, by far, way more awesome than the other 49.

Here's why (as told through famous Texas-isms).

1."I wasn't born here, but I got here as soon as I could." It doesn't matter if you were born here, have ever lived here, just visited here, or ever thought about visiting here: you're a Texan. I was born in Chicago, but I'm a Texan. I could establish a colony on the moon tomorrow and live out the rest of my days mining large rocks in diminished gravity, but I will be a Texan.

The native language will be sarcasm.

2. "Everything's Bigger in Texas". This is mostly just a polite way of saying, "Everything's BETTER in Texas". You know what I love? Mexican food. You know what I love more than Mexican food? Tex-Mex. For those of you living outside the Texas state line (first of all, I'm sorry), Tex-Mex is just Mexican food smothered in sour cream and cheese. Basically you take something already delicious and add 5000 extra calories. Our entire cuisine goes something like this:

"Tacos?"
"They're awesome, but I think they could use more saturated fat."
 "Avocados?"
"Deep fry them."
"Margaritas?"
"Serve them in a martini glass with some olives. BOOM!"

Behold: the world's only 5000 calorie salad.

See, Texas wasn't about to rest on the laurels of its own great achievements (Dr. Pepper, St. Arnold's Beer, Jimmy Dean Sausages), it decided to improve everything else too. And not just Mexican food. The entire beef industry. The music industry. The fashion industry. You get the point.


3. "Y'all." Now this one had to grow on me. When I was in the early stages of what would later become full-blown Grammar Nazi-ness, I thought the contraction "y'all" (you + all) was an earmark of redneckery. "It's not even a word!" I would decry.

It wasn't until years later, mired in collegiate grammar courses that would make Noah Webster cry

"What the deuce is a 'pluperfect subjunctive'?!?"

that I realized the brilliance of what my state had done: WE INVENTED THE BEST 2ND PERSON PLURAL EVER.

Perhaps the most awkward handicap of the English Language is that it has no 2nd person plural. That means "you" (the one person I'm talking to) and "you" (the collective 25 people in the room) are expressed the same way. Other regions have tried to correct this phenomenon: i.e "you guys" (or "youze guys" as "My Cousin Vinny" masterfully articulates).

But "y'all" smites them all. After having my aforementioned grammar epiphany, I now use "y'all" unabashedly and as often as possible.

4. "Houston, Tranquility Base here. The Eagle has landed." The first word on the moon, as uttered by one Neil Armstrong: Houston. Cuz, you know, we put him there. Y'all are welcome.

5. "The Lone Star State". It's not just a clever name ("The Show-Me State"? Really?). It's called that because it used to be its own country. It would take years to actually break down the history of Texas for you, but what you basically need to know is that it went something like this:

Texas belongs to Mexico > General Santa Anna is a jerk, but lets Stephen F. Austin colonize Texas because he is broke > Santa Anna is a jerk and tells Texans they can't settle anymore and imposes a bunch of crappy laws on them > Santa Anna is a jerk, so Texans get mad and stage a revolution > Texas wins > Yay, we're our own country!!!

"Just for that, we're taking your food and drowning it in sour cream!"

Eventually Texas got bored and joined the US, bringing with it all this (which was later broken down into smaller states, presumably because it was giving Iowa an inferiority complex):

And as anyone who has ever visited New Mexico, Oklahoma, Kansas, or Wyoming will tell you, maybe that was a bad call

I could go on forever about why I love Texas. These endearing little traits are only a small number of reasons why I think this place is the greatest state in the greatest country on earth. If you live here, you already know, but if you don't come visit me. I'll buy you a fajita and tell you why you should remember the Alamo.