"The Real Housewives of Houston" is Calling. And I'm Gonna Answer

You guys. YOU GUYS. "Real Housewives" is coming to Houston. I've never actually watched the show, but I get the impression that it's a bunch of crusty rich women who are also really mean. Which maybe doesn't fit me entirely, but look y'all, it's been like 12 years since I last appeared on national television for absolutely no reason of value, and I'm getting the itch.

According to the casting site, I need to provide a photo of myself and a video of my "housewife life" .

I got this.

Photo:
Last time I applied make up and styled my hair to the best of my abilities was like, 7 years ago, but how much could have I changed since I was 25 and pre-childbirth? Actually, you know what, don't answer that. I'm sure I'll look great. Shut up.

Video:
Granted, it's all in how you sell it, but I imagine my video will go something like this...

"Hi, my name is Claire Goodman!

I'm a stay-at-home-mom, er, sorry "real housewife" to 2 boys, and they, along with my husband, are basically the focus of my entire life. Let me tell you a little bit about myself:

My hobbies include running, managing my t-shirt business, and making stupid jokes for the sole purpose of cracking myself up.'

And I'm no stranger to the wealthy lifestyle:

I drink wine that's like $12 a bottle.

I have a vast collection of pieces from famous interior designers. My personal favorite is Nate Berkus for Target. That man can make it rain for $29.99. Also Marimekko for Target. And Missoni. Also for Target.

I own tons of designer stuff from TJ Maxx. We're talking like, 3-seasons-ago Michael Kors.

I realize that like 99% of this show's entertainment value is based on drama, so let me assure you, my life is FULL of drama. Like yesterday, my 10-month-old was trying to drink bubble bath, so I took it away from him, and he started shrieking so ferociously that he set off the glass-break sensor on our security system.

I have to warn you though, I have a pathological fear of people with plastic surgery. I am absolutely terrified out of my mind by people who have had elective facial surgery. But as long as no one else on the show has had cosmetic surgery I should totally be fine.

Anyway, I hope you consider me for the show! Thanks!"

I'll try to remember you all when I'm super famous and have my own line of watered-down cocktails.