Things You Should Do (and Not Do) Before Having Kids...
Sure, a lot of people (myself included) find themselves having a kid without ample premeditation. But I'd say in general, most people "decide" when the time is right. For those of you childless couples in the latter category, here's a friendly guide to things to do and not do before welcoming a squalling child into your world. Some of these things I learned by making mistakes, and others I learned by doing the right thing and realizing it later...
Do:
1. Travel
I know a lot of people who have managed to make traveling with kids a seamless process, but I'm not one of them. Traveling with Jack is usually a nightmare. And even for couples who seem able to travel well with kids, I doubt they do much traveling strictly for fun. "Let's go to the Bahamas for the hell of it" is pretty impractical when it means towing small kids with you. And even if your kids do travel well, let's not forget the fact that they will be with you. You better get that trip to England out of the way now, because taking a small child for a tour through the Tower of London is just wrong.
Finally, traveling is really damn expensive, and pretty much every parent I've ever met is in a perpetual state of broke-ness.
2. Buy your house
I was lucky that Jack was under the age of one when we bought our house, because otherwise it would have been (even more) hellacious to go through the hunting/buying process. Babies can easily be strapped into things and are not generally good at running away.
I'm trying to imagine house-hunting with Jack now. I'm assuming it would be something akin to trying to prevent an ADHD rat terrier from chasing a gimpy squirrel.
3. Get a pet
If you want a dog/cat/pot belly pig/whatever, the time to get one is before you have a kid. Many people disagree with me on this point, but I stand by my assertion. For starters, this gives you a chance to bond with your pet before you have to ignore it for the next 18 years.
A lot of people will tell you that animals become jealous or aggressive towards interloping babies, but my experience has been the opposite. First of all, babies don't just charge into the house. They make a lot of noise and smell strange, but they're not exactly up in a dog's face or pulling its tail for the first few months. They grow gradually, and by the time they start throwing things at your cats, the animals have had a reasonable amount of time to adjust to the realization that there is a strange thing in the house...
3. Amass an Obscene Amount of Savings
This is actually one thing we did RIGHT because as I've mentioned before, my dad was a financial Nazi. When we were childless, we had relatively few expenses, and even our rent was free (one of my job perks). As a result, I was able to hoard money like I was Scrooge McDuck.
Every paycheck I would gleefully chuck half my earnings and all my commissions into savings and pat myself on the back for being on the road to retiring by 30.
As you can probably guess from the tone of this blog, that financial aggression has trickled down nearly to a halt since Jack arrived. What I'm saying is that right now you should be hoarding your money like you're expecting a regime change, because that's basically what happens when you have a kid.
Not do:
1. Buy furniture
We made the mistake of buying a $3000 Natuzzi set because it was extremely comfortable and sexy and we were childless and therefore loaded (as I mentioned above). And then every time Jack spit up on it, and I had a minor heart attack. Baby barf is both projectile and comprised of what I'm assuming is battery acid.
We spent the first 6 months of Jack's life with a sheet over the couch. I'm not kidding. I suggest living with crappy furniture until you know what kind of abuse you can expect your furniture to endure and buy accordingly. Or just live on bean bag chairs and folding lawn furniture until your kid goes off to college.
2. Buy a New Car
If you find yourself in a position to shell out the money for a new car, just push that thought right out of your head and buy something used with lots of cup holders. In our case, poor David is still cruising around in the used but fuel-efficient Acura I bought in college, and I'm driving his (also used) Highlander.
Which is insanely smart.
Don't spend the money on a NEW car, because most cars that kid-free people are drawn to are completely impractical for accommodating a small child and all their accessories. And even if you've been conditioned by the automotive industry to seek out a mid-sized SUV, you cannot fathom the amount of abuse it is going to endure. Basically, you should use this litmus test to figure out how much money you should spend on a car: If you aren't comfortable throwing an ice cream cone in the backseat and leaving it there for 6 months, it's too nice to buy if you ever plan on having kids.
As I re-read this blog for grammatical errors, I'm realizing that everything I just said can be summed up thusly: before you have kids, get all your fun stuff out of the way, but don't buy anything other than real estate. You're welcome.
Do:
1. Travel
I know a lot of people who have managed to make traveling with kids a seamless process, but I'm not one of them. Traveling with Jack is usually a nightmare. And even for couples who seem able to travel well with kids, I doubt they do much traveling strictly for fun. "Let's go to the Bahamas for the hell of it" is pretty impractical when it means towing small kids with you. And even if your kids do travel well, let's not forget the fact that they will be with you. You better get that trip to England out of the way now, because taking a small child for a tour through the Tower of London is just wrong.
 |
| "See, Johnny?!? This is what a ruined childhood looks like!" |
2. Buy your house
I was lucky that Jack was under the age of one when we bought our house, because otherwise it would have been (even more) hellacious to go through the hunting/buying process. Babies can easily be strapped into things and are not generally good at running away.
I'm trying to imagine house-hunting with Jack now. I'm assuming it would be something akin to trying to prevent an ADHD rat terrier from chasing a gimpy squirrel.
3. Get a pet
If you want a dog/cat/pot belly pig/whatever, the time to get one is before you have a kid. Many people disagree with me on this point, but I stand by my assertion. For starters, this gives you a chance to bond with your pet before you have to ignore it for the next 18 years.
A lot of people will tell you that animals become jealous or aggressive towards interloping babies, but my experience has been the opposite. First of all, babies don't just charge into the house. They make a lot of noise and smell strange, but they're not exactly up in a dog's face or pulling its tail for the first few months. They grow gradually, and by the time they start throwing things at your cats, the animals have had a reasonable amount of time to adjust to the realization that there is a strange thing in the house...
 |
| ...that likes to rub dirt in their face.... |
3. Amass an Obscene Amount of Savings
This is actually one thing we did RIGHT because as I've mentioned before, my dad was a financial Nazi. When we were childless, we had relatively few expenses, and even our rent was free (one of my job perks). As a result, I was able to hoard money like I was Scrooge McDuck.
 |
| Although I never got to ski in my own money. |
Every paycheck I would gleefully chuck half my earnings and all my commissions into savings and pat myself on the back for being on the road to retiring by 30.
As you can probably guess from the tone of this blog, that financial aggression has trickled down nearly to a halt since Jack arrived. What I'm saying is that right now you should be hoarding your money like you're expecting a regime change, because that's basically what happens when you have a kid.
Not do:
1. Buy furniture
We made the mistake of buying a $3000 Natuzzi set because it was extremely comfortable and sexy and we were childless and therefore loaded (as I mentioned above). And then every time Jack spit up on it, and I had a minor heart attack. Baby barf is both projectile and comprised of what I'm assuming is battery acid.
 |
| Babies are basically that dinosaur from Jurassic Park only less bite-y. |
We spent the first 6 months of Jack's life with a sheet over the couch. I'm not kidding. I suggest living with crappy furniture until you know what kind of abuse you can expect your furniture to endure and buy accordingly. Or just live on bean bag chairs and folding lawn furniture until your kid goes off to college.
 |
| You'll feel like you're living in a frat house, but at least you won't cry every time your son jams a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in between the cushions. |
2. Buy a New Car
If you find yourself in a position to shell out the money for a new car, just push that thought right out of your head and buy something used with lots of cup holders. In our case, poor David is still cruising around in the used but fuel-efficient Acura I bought in college, and I'm driving his (also used) Highlander.
Which is insanely smart.
Don't spend the money on a NEW car, because most cars that kid-free people are drawn to are completely impractical for accommodating a small child and all their accessories. And even if you've been conditioned by the automotive industry to seek out a mid-sized SUV, you cannot fathom the amount of abuse it is going to endure. Basically, you should use this litmus test to figure out how much money you should spend on a car: If you aren't comfortable throwing an ice cream cone in the backseat and leaving it there for 6 months, it's too nice to buy if you ever plan on having kids.
As I re-read this blog for grammatical errors, I'm realizing that everything I just said can be summed up thusly: before you have kids, get all your fun stuff out of the way, but don't buy anything other than real estate. You're welcome.
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